..and i don’t feel any different.
i guess that is a half-lie. or a half-truth. i dont usually do resolutions, but ive been thinking lately that, since i’ve graduated, i have to be a little more proactive about keeping up with my relationship with God. i think i’ve pretty much established that i want to have a relationship with Jesus that is growing in intimacy. i want to be proactive in getting tight with God, you know, like *this*..and trying hard to maintain it and grow in it. i want to learn more about things that God cares about, and i want to care about those things too. i don’t care what my occupation ends up being, but i want to live a life where God can say, ‘hey, youre alright in my book.’ i want to be able to love people like Jesus did. but i have a confession. i have this growing fear that i’m going to become some lonely, hateful prick who can’t function normally around people because i’m too caught up in myself. this fear has been lingering in the back of my mind over the years, but has become more of a reality (eek) since moving onto the rez. then i read ‘blue like jazz’ and i got real scared. i could write an essay on how each chapter spoke to my soul, but the chapters ‘alone’ and ‘community’ tugged at some specific sore spots in my personality type. i’ve realized more and more that its kind of hard to love people if you dont like them. i do like being around people. some people. and only at certain times. and for limited amounts of time. its a really hard personality trait to break. especially where i’m living. i live in a small town, and have a small community, which basically means a huge downgrade of personal space and a large increase of everyone being in everyone’s business. I say it as if we are gossip central, but really it is just that everyone kind of knows whats going on with the people around you…and thats normal (and i guess there are lots of people who live happy lives like this..or live happy lives because this is part of what it means to ‘live in community’ — you can see i’m a skeptic).
i’m okay with that, but only to a certain extent. i guess my friends and i had a phase where we all shared our google calendars, so we could basically stalk each other. i dont know why its different now. maybe because things are so much more easily exposed here, whereas in a big city in a big university its kind of nice, and necessary to have at least a few people know you in that way, or else its too easy to just blend into the crowd of people. here, i feel like living here, its pretty hard not to stick out like a sore thumb. i think that makes me want to gather as much of my self that i can and hide in the corner so only i have access to it.
i recently learned about the enneagram personality type. I’m a 5, which means i really like to observe and think, but my vice is avarice, or greed. i’m not necessarily greedy in the literal sense for money or fame, but more in the sense that i am really greedy with my time and space. i hoard. im pretty selfish when it comes to my personal space. a simple, innocent phone call from a friend can come across as an intrusion of me, sitting in my room, doing nothing. but it is nonetheless an interruption of my time..or maybe i should say me time.
so that is my confession. that is who i am. but whenever i step outside myself and look back, i dont like what i see. it grosses me out. the ugliness has just been eating away at my soul. i dont want to be a selfish person. i really like the idea of giving. i want to be more giving. because it feels good to give. it feels right to give with no restrictions. or judgments. or reserve. but whenever i give, i always have to check first and make sure that i have enough before i give. i have to make sure i have enough money for myself before i give money to others. i have to make sure i will have enough time/love/energy before i give that to others. same goes with pretty much anything of importance in my life. but im hoping that i can grow out of that flesh desire to conserve, and really accept God’s abundant provision and endless love so that i can unrestrictedly share that with other folks.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. -psalm 51:10-12
6 Comments
January 15, 2008 at 11:10 am
Dang. Some things you wrote I’m not even brave enough to think.
January 15, 2008 at 11:18 am
I did the enneagram test and I’m a 6. Don’t think I like to admit that I am, but it was pretty accurate for me.
January 16, 2008 at 12:47 am
im a 2, 6, 9.
January 21, 2008 at 2:20 pm
i think that only with a humility like yours can one experience what augustine calls “severe mercy” . . . nice post.
i’m a 1.
February 8, 2008 at 3:57 am
for the time being….. i’m 2 and 9.
February 8, 2008 at 1:29 pm
as a continuation of my comment…
you write bold posts…. good ones too. i can relate to some of the things you said, sometimes. i like my time too. it’s hard to find a balance between me time and the time when i should spend time with people. but that’s a start tho… to admitting it.