I am currently sitting in the kitchen of a house that I’m babysitting at…and I have to say that I feel the most relaxed than I have in a while. I just looked to my right and found a Scholastic catalog! Memories are flooding my mind now of when I used to comb through these catalogs with newspaper-like texture, checking off all the books that I would order if I could. Anyway. Its good to hang around kids. I was reading to the kids the passage in Matthew that talks about storing treasures in heaven, and after reading vs 24 which says “No one can serve two masters,” the 3rd grader asks, “Then why do we have two parents?” I love it. Its the simple things like this that lighten my weary spirit.
Speaking of weary. Tumultuous. Its a fun word to say. And also seems to capture how my spirit has been feeling lately. Picture a harboring of different emotions all crashing against each other, and myself not giving enough room to sort them out. Tumultuous.
For a week now (since ash wednesday), my life has been void of all most things entertainment. No Lost, no Friends, no youtube, no idle surfing, even no leisurely reading. Our prayer group decided to fast from entertainment during Lent in hopes of drawing closer to God, and being able to pray more intently about the ministry.
I was excited to do this, because I was beginning to feel a little overstimulated from all the ways I was trying to avoid having to engage with God. For some reason, I don’t know how God does it, but he somehow forces me, and everyone who’s come here to the rez (from what I’ve heard), to deal with their deepest crap. And he’s been sly about it. He’s slowly been taking away the things that have, for the most part, kept me “safe” and have sustained me from having to face..myself. I left a close, comfortable community to come here. I gave up a big security blanket…alchohol. No happy hours. No (edible) ethnic restaurants. And now, I’m no longer afforded the luxury of gluttonizing (is that a word?) on tv/movies.
And I’m trying to stand strong despite all of my strongholds being pryed out of my fingertips. Its my own choice, I know. I realize I am choosing the hard way. But for some reason, my stubbornness persists, and I think, I think I just might win. If I hold on long enough, I just might outlast God.
And that is where I currently stand. I think I’ll probably give up soon. I’m getting exhausted, and I know I am going to lose. I lost the moment I started trying to win. I just had to at least say I tried. I don’t know how, but broadcasting my pathetic fight was somehow supposed to make me feel a little better about my attempt. But I think I ‘m getting better…at giving up. Funny, because I think I choose to fight each time thinking that with experience will come a better chance of success. There are good things to come of this though. To be continued….
1 Comment
February 15, 2008 at 3:20 pm
keep fighting those temptations. you can do it! i know you can!